Questioning

Wednesday May 28th:
Hi, it has been a while since I've written here. We get caught up in life and things I suppose. Well, I am grateful that I finished 2nd year. I am grateful for Oasis at York. God really gave me grace with my exams, because as I had mentioned before I was not enthused about school, but some how I was able to get an A in a class I barely attended (only God man Lol). But, I also changed my major to English, I believe with the new start I will have more enthusiasm and zeal for my courses. My spiritual walk had its ups and downs because when I was lost and going through the heat of it I became really discouraged. Often I was striving to progress in my walk with God and I would encounter a situation that would seem really discouraging and I would just retreat within myself. The devil had it all for me, the TA's for my courses were anti-theist, and would make snide comments about Christianity and God. I found that discouraging because I didn't want to say anything that would put me up for scrutiny. I prayed to find friends that would be Christian or at least open to the gospel. I did find one in my winter course who used to go to a Pentecostal church when she was younger and I was able to share with her quite a bit. We really hit it off. But, once the semester ended she stopped contacting me, which left me really confused and hurt to be honest. With the Creation Science group at York, I knew that it was what God wanted to do, but it was something my flesh did not want to do. In the natural I saw it as time consuming and I was not excited about being up for scrutiny (what if my TA saw me, the one who hates God and indirectly makes comments like he always does). So, I retreated within myself. I also sought counsel from one of my secular friends. She encouraged me last year to pray when I was upset with God lol. When I shared with her that I would be sharing at campus she stated in the most caring and sincere way possible : Habiba, I know you don't like being rejected and I don't want to see you getting hurt. I think you shouldn't do it.
A part of me was happy to hear that, but I knew in my spirit that's not what God would want. I seriously contemplated life and the vast emptiness of it all, a life without God. A lot of people use God as an accessory as their life. A lot of people say 'Praise Jesus' and 'God is good', but no one is really willing to give up their life. I know that I couldn't simply put Jesus as an accessory to my life, it just would be too fake. But, to radically sell out for God, was something that was honestly scary to me. I didn't know it but God showed me that I  had a fear of failure. Every time I try to move forward for God, I hear voices of discouragement and just plain confusion. However, I know it's not how you start but how you finish. It's funny, when I was in my period of counting the costs, I ran into people from my past, people I kind of shared with and were praying for. I felt like if I was to give up, I'd be letting go of the potential plans God had for those people. My co-worker says he's content that he found happiness without the whole God aspect. He says he's not trying to convert me but states that I can do the same. Find happiness without God... Then when I try to be like them ( the world) fit in, be quiet about my faith, I feel a part of me is being suppressed. My spirit-man is crying out, but I want to fit in. 
So, it takes me back to childhood and my adolescent years when  people called me 'weird'. Always with a negative connotation; isn't everyone weird? I guess my weird is too weird. I remember a colleague at church stating I always knew you were different. So, I never really was comfortable with myself. I suppressed a lot of who I was trying to be like 'them',  trying to please people. 
However, God says I am unique. Over the past year God has been breaking off stuff. I started showing affection and being more expressive if that makes sense. This morning, after my routine workout I was watching it's Sid Roth supernatural. I watched the video a couple of days ago before I fell asleep, but this time the episode segment had my undivided attention. And it resonated with me. I did not have to try to be someone else. I did not had to suppress the innate talents and traits given. Or the unique career path that  God has called for me. I secretly wanted that affirmation. I did not get it anywhere, and I was crying Lord won't someone validate me?  Watching the video was like God telling me he validates me. I know my healing is not overnight and it is a long process, but so long as I trust God, I can be filled with the fire to finish strong. 

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Thursday May 29th:
Cue Thursday, the day of trepidation. Today I made a big boo boo at work. Well, actually on Tuesday. I gave a contractor keys to the wrong apartment (again), despite trying to be cautious . A kitchen reno was scheduled in the apartment, but not for this week. It was not until today when the guy inspected the apartment (the one that was suppose to have the kitchen reno and saw the unfinished beauty that it was), that cataclysmic reactions occurred.  I've been working at this job for a year now. So, I thought I had it down now, but I guess I have a severe learning curb. At my work place there is a lady, let's call her Magdalene. She is the administrative assistant and schedules contractors. When she found out this mistake she flipped. And I hate criticism and scrutiny as I have mentioned. So I just felt like dung the remainder of my shift. I could not even function at work. I lost my appetite - and that is saying a lot considering my love of food. Like I said before, every time I try to move forward for God something happens to discourage me. I do remember reciting wedding vows to God, through better and for worse. I wished God didn't trust me so much sometimes. I know we are fallible, but I just feel like I am more fallible. To be honest, I don't sleep well and can't enjoy weekends and stuff because I fear work. I fear going to work, I anticipate the next mistake, and I am just not enjoying life at the moment. But, I feel like God really wants to break something off in my life, so I just have to stick for the ride. I've been praying, but I don't want to pray out of paranoia. I don't want to be a liability at my work. I want to feel secure in my God-given traits. Sometimes, I do have darker thoughts when these things happen like drinking or smoking. I know it won't answer anything but dealing with reality sucks sometimes. I want to believe God has something for me, but when this happens continuously I am left questioning everything I believed in. On the plus side, I was able to share with Brother Michael today at York. The girls I shared with were Sikhs and really open. Actually, all the people I shared with were really open. What if I let today's events get the better of me and not share?  If you read this, I just appreciate prayer for whatever. Another positive thing is rather than retreat within myself , I am choosing to seek God. You know I don't want to seem ungrateful, but like Jeremiah says 

Righteous art thou, O LORD, when I plead with thee: yet let me talk with thee of thy judgments: Wherefore doth the way of the wicked prosper? wherefore are all they happy that deal very treacherously? Jeremiah 12:1 KJV